eric_ninden

No... no. That... can't be. D:/

Today marks the start of a new era of my life. I've already started doing things I kept putting off for months and months. Taking small "risks" I normally wouldn't take. And I know this is just the beginning. I'm not letting this disease constrain me in fear any longer.

I'm not really sure what I'll try next, but in the meantime I'll be doing lots of music listenin', book readin', movie watchin', and 3D modelin'. Then... getting out into the big, scary world? OH LAWDY. Maybe, yes. Yes. I will.

Nothing to say beyond that. I'm just trying to be as kickass and inspirational as I can. I know I can do much, much more than I have been. I was just in a depression/rut. I'm fighting my way out of it.

Here goes nothin'.

Come on, go see if you're meaner than Mama! I found out that I am. :D

Fucking turkeys and their pea-sized brains. >:C

LIKE MY ICON!?

Also, I canceled my old web host subscription. Unfortunately I fucked up and didn't transfer my old domain to the new host, so I need to wait to until the year I purchased months ago runs out to get it back. But I bought a new one and am now the proud owner of erigburger.com! Expect updates on that in the coming week!

The following is a dream I had last night.

It starts off with me in the house I lived in from 1984-1996. I'm on the couch with my feet up on our coffee table. There's a fluffy gray cat with a bell collar laying on the table. Suddenly three mice come running into the room on their hind legs like Jerry from Tom & Jerry. They start pestering the shit out of the cat. Pulling on its collar, jumping on it. The cat is freaked out and looking at me as if to say "DUDE, HELP ME THE FUCK OUT, HERE!"

I chase the mice off back in to their cartoonish mouse hole in the wall. I look inside and see what looks like a loft apartment, complete with tiny furniture. I guess these mice were fairly well off financially.

The dream for no particular reason shifts to some kind of spy espionage movie or something and I'm in some kind of training facility. I'm not sure if they were GOOD spies or BAD spies, but I remember Patton Oswalt was training some sexy women. It was strange.

So, I guess the three mice from earlier can either transform into a human form, or I just forgot they were mice, because three human characters pop in out of nowhere. The most important one is a tall dark haired woman I'm apparently romantically interested in. She seems to look a bit like whatever that actress from Gilmore Girls, only a bit younger. The second is this intimidating mafia looking guy in a suit that looked like Mark Anthony. The third is the dark haired woman's younger sister.

As far as I remember, I kissed the dark haired woman. She seemed to have feelings for me as well, but she was extremely hesitant. She was afraid of what her husband (the suit guy) would do to me if he found out. I think I was determined to get her out of that relationship.

Some other stuff I can't quite remember, but eventually I met up with her in a tacky blue colored bathroom. I guess it was the only place I thought out rendezvous would go unnoticed. But SHIT, the door starts opening. I scramble to hide behind the door. Luckily, it's only the sister checking in on the dark haired woman. They have a short exchange of words and she leaves. I'm safe.

But SHIT AGAIN, somebody else comes in the door shortly afterward. IT'S THE FUCKING HUSBAND. And he seems to suspect something is up. The woman is telling him nothing is wrong, but he picks up on the urgency in her voice and forces his way in.

He is PISSED and immediately assumes she's having and affair with me. I don't think that was the case, however. So the dark haired woman and myself flee and the husband takes chase. He pulls out a gun and starts firing wildly. She's in hysterics, pleading him to stop. But I fall and two bullets find their mark. One in the left thigh, one in my upper chest near the left shoulder. She's mortified, but in a failed attempt to comfort her I say "Don't worry, I don't feel anything."

The husband leave me to pursue his wife. I guess he wanted me to die a slow, painful death from blood loss, or intended to finish the job later. A paramedic comes out of nowhere to tend to my wounds for some unexplained reason. Just as he's about to pull the bullet out of my chest, I wake up.

My reaction upon waking up? "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THAT WAS AWESOME!!!"

So yeah, I guess I'm kind of a badass in my dreams. WHO KNEW!?

Okay, I know the wrole "CTRL+ALT+DEL MISCARRIAGE LOL" meme is getting kind of well known at this point, so I'll spare too many details on that. If you don't know, webcomic "artist" Tim Buckley's real life fiancee or whatever had a miscarriage, and he thought it a BRILLIANT idea to turn his video game strip into an autobiographical drama. I have no idea, either. Chalk it up to his arrogance.

So, I've taken it upon myself to give old Tim some pointers on making a topical gaming comic strip. Enjoy!

Original:


Mine:

Well, my dad got a call today and he got a good offer for the position he interviewed for. SO HOORAY FOR NOT BEING POOR.

Also, he's been working on filing a lawsuit against his old employer because he applied for some time off, and was approved for it, but they fired him over it. So he had a meeting with his lawyer today and I guess they're stumbling over themselves, making bogus claims, saying he said things he didn't say, and he has documented proof to the contrary. So yeah, that's going as well as we could hope for.

I found out my favorite childhood NES game M.C. Kids got a PC version called McDonaldland, which as near as I can tell, is a direct port, only with 16-bit graphics. It's fantastic. Though, it seems to run a bit slow, and the collision detection isn't as accurate, but it LOOKS SHINIER so who gives a fuck?

I received LOST: Via Domus for PC for $20 on eBay so I can rip the models and put them into 3DS Max and Garry's Mod. But well, it's not what I expected. Not that I mean it's bad, which it is, but... well, see for yourself...



It's in fucking RUSSIAN. I haven't installed it yet, so I'm not sure if the game itself is in Russian. God I hope so.

Oh, and guess what I bought on eBay...



Fucking 33 Good Eats DVDs. Because Alton Brown is my hero. Or something.

It's not a done deal, but I'm 99.99999999% sure mi  padre got a jorb. The guy was filling out papers while my dad was still there, and nobody there is friends with the fucker that terminated him at his old job, unlike the the last time I thought he got the job. So, I'm hopeful! Looks like I don't need to start "Operation: Eat-Ramen-To-Save-My-Dad-Money" after all.

I'll be starting my first major 3D Movie Maker film once I unfuckify my main computer's hard drive. It's for the film festival in September. I'm planning on doing 100% homemade models for it, half animated in 3DS Max, half hand animated in 3DMM. I also plan on using an expanded color palate and doubling the frame rate from 8fps to 16fps, because standard 3DMM would ruin it.

It's a Blame/Dead Leaves-esque prison escape comedy flick. A guy gets wrongly put on death row in a huge 50-level subterranean prison, and has all but given up hope until he has a vision in his sleep. Now he's determined to break through to the top, even if it kills him. Deadly and unorthodox security measures stand between him and the heavens. CAN HE GET OUT!? HMMMMM!?

So yeah, I'm pretty happy at the moment. Life is pretty okay.

Oh, and LOST was fucking awesome. It was like "BENJAMIN LINUS AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM (+ A FROZEN DONKEY WHEEL)" or something. Also, explosions. Good stuff.

I think so.

Okay, so, first off, my dad has an interview on Tuesday. Some nearby company that is doing something wacky like using old fuel to grow algae? I don't know. Some weird "green" energy solution thing. (Oh boy, I said GREEN. Am I cool now?) But anyway, hopefully he gets the job so we don't end up on the street turning tricks for food stamps.

Also, fucking Xod has risen from the grave and graced us with his presence. Yes, the guy who draws really gross drawings involving fetuses and granny fetishes HAS RETURNED! This has got to be a sign that things are looking up. It is truly a miracle.

GTA IV comes out soon and Sam and I have been circle jerking over it. Our nerd boners are OVER NINETHOUSAAAAAND!! 9000 WHAT, I'm not sure. Unfortunately, I have to wait until May to buy it. I is broke. :C

Oh, and I have come up with the GENIUS plan of starting E-Mail correspondence with my awexum friend Alanna. I have missed that silly girl because she has been werkin' and shit. BUT THAT SHALL CHANGE! Erig is excited.

Okay, that is all. Bye, fuckers!

I posted this elsewhere almost a week ago. ENJOY.

General Bullshit

So, what have I been up to? I'LL TELL YOU!

So I found this really badass program called 3D Printscreen that allows you to rip entire scenes from any program running on Direct X 8, Direct X 9, or OpenGL. In layman's terms, LOTS OF FUCKING GAMES. I've tried it on The Sims 2, The Movies, Garry's Mod, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, and some others. Sometimes the environments get all twisted, but for the most part characters come out perfectly.

What do I plan to do with these models, you ask? Put them into Microsoft 3D Movie Maker, of course! I'm taking the models, bringing them into 3D Studio Max, rigging them with a skeleton (or "biped", for you hip cats out there), and applying motion capture data. Then I'll turn them into Quake 2 models and import them into 3DMM.

Did you understand any of that? Bottom line: game characters as actors in 3DMM. Hell yes!

Other than that, I haven't been up to much.

I've been watching The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. and it's pretty awesome. It's co-created by LOST show runner Carlton Cuse and stars the wonderful BRUCE CAMPBELL as the show's namesake. I would make out with that man in a heartbeat. Uh... Anyway, it's about a cowboy that has a run in with some futuristic technology and then things get wacky. LOST actors like Mr. Friendly, Bernard, and Dr. Marvin Candle all make appearances, which is pretty awesome.

I got the trach tube that is IN MY NECK changed, and it got hung up on something and we were sucking out BLOOD for a couple of days. Pretty fucking gross, but it didn't hurt. I just wanted to gross out whoever reads this.

By the way, Alanna thinks she's SOOO COOL OMG with her bridge piercing. I GOT YOU BEAT, SISTER. Get your trachea pierced, then come talk to me about who's TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL.

I'm just kidding. You're awesome, Lambers. Srsly, dude.

Uuummm... Fuck, what else?

Oh, we're kinda fuckin' poor these days. My dad's been out of work for almost a year now, and job hunting isn't going too great. He's been borrowing money from my grandmother and my aunt, and a bit from my social security. Things aren't too great money-wise. But I'm sure things will start looking up.

I just wish I could get a job to help out, but what can you do? Maybe I should start whoring? My weiner might fall of, BUT WHO NEEDS A WEINER WHEN YOU HAVE A PS3!? M I RITE!?

Or write to Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Those fuckers would eat this shit up. They love gimps!

School Stories

When I was in 4th grade I had this really bitchy teacher, let's call her "Mrs. S". I remember she once took a girl in our class that had epilepsy into the hall to yell at her, and she didn't even do anything wrong.

Anyway, once I drew a picture of her in the margin of my reading workbook. She had a word bubble saying "DUH!", her name with an arrow, and I drew a booger next to her nose (because she seemed to ALWAYS have a booger/zit/something beside her nose). She saw it and took me in the hall. She was all "What did you write?! What are you saying!? 'Duh, Mrs. S'!?! You think that's funny?" And the whole time I remember wanting to point out that it was a drawing of her with A WORD BUBBLE, and I was calling her stupid. I thought it was pretty straight forward.

In like third grade I threw a big, fat crayon at our substitute art teacher's butt. I wasn't aiming for her butt, I was just having one of my tantrums and threw it when she was walking away.

In seond grade at lunch I was eating a can of fried potato stick things, and the only black kid in the whole school asked for one. I turned my back, picked my nose, and said it was a burned one. He ate it and I told him it was a booger. I stil feel awful about that. I think I'm going to Hell for that one. Poor kid. :C

In sixth grade my friend and I were at a school dance. He had gotten M&Ms and we were stupid and bored, so we thought it would be fun to fucking HURL one into the dance floor. It hit an 8th grade girl in the head, and her and her friends came walking over to us. We were like "OH SHIT!" and my friend hid behind my wheelchair, but they saw him. The conversation went something like:

"Did you throw something at her?"
"...No..."
"Are you lying?"
"..Y-yes..."

I don't think we got in trouble.

In summation, I used to be a huge asshole. :C

A Dream

I had a really sad, depressing dream. I was with some family who had a little boy, a toddler, named Jamie. It was winter and I'm pretty sure we were driving in a van somewhere. So I'm watching Jamie crawl about and be cute when suddenly the door opens and he gets out. Nobody besides me notices until it's far too late.

So now we're in the house I grew up in for some reason, the ground is covered with snow, and Jamie's mother and my family are franticly searching for the baby. Everyone is upset and screaming his name. The whole time I'm thinking it's too cold and it's been too long for a one-year-old to possibly survive. I'm thinking we're going to find Jamie's frozen corpse somewhere.

Eventually the mother goes inside and comes out with a plate of very red meat. She says something like "I'll leave it out on the step. Maybe he's hungry and he'll see it and come back." I don't think toddlers can eat a whole fucking t-bone, lady. He's not a fucking Labrador.

Then I woke up. We never found poor Jamie.

Why the hell do I dream such awful things? God!

Oh, and I also dreamed I was eating pancakes and my mother was cleaning and complaining. I said something rude to her and she yelled at me. IT WAS JUST LIKE OLD TIMES! AAH, NOSTALGIA!

Well, I'm finally home! Damn does it feel good to be in my own room again. I can't believe I was in the hospital for ten weeks. I hope I never have to go through that again.

We're still in the process of getting things set up, though. The tube feeding machine and other stuff like that. Nurses and therapists are popping in and out. It's a bit hectic, but I'm pretty relaxed.

And I'm (finally) able to eat the kind of food I want to again. No more shitty hospital food. I had a cucumber sandwich yesterday. I don't remember them tasting so good. I guess hospital food will do that to you.

Anyway, I'll be around if anyone wants to talk.

-My "pic line" IV was removed today.

-My catheter was removed a few days ago.

-My ventilator is due to come in this week.

-I'm now able to eat food without feeling sick afterward.

-I'm still coming home November 27th.

Less than a week left. I can't wait!

-I'm getting released on November 27th (tentative, but very likely)

-I passed my second swallow test, and can now start eating and drinking again. (had some mashed potatoes already)

-Tonight starts my weening off of the oxygen.

-I'm on a newer ventilator that allows me to breathe a little easier.

-Later this week I'm going to have my hard plastic trach tube replaced with a more comfortable soft plastic trach tube.

I'm kicking ass, guys. I'll be home soon!

-I got the stitches taken out of my stomach tube (that still hurts like a bitch, but better tban before).

-I got up into my wheelchair for an hour yesterday.

-They took me off the ventilator's pressure support for four hours yesterday. I did better than they expected me to.

That's about it. But I'd also like to use this post to talk about my roommate, Matt/Mack (not sure which). He's a 91-year-old Holocaust survivor. He is the most stubborn, impatient, selfish, rude, humorless, pain in the ass of a man I've ever met. I can't stand him. Here are some examples as to why:

-He uses his suction tube (like the ones dentists use), which he shouldn't be using himself to begin with, to bang on his table to get the nurses. No matter what time it is. He even does it when they're there. Last night he even did it on an aid's head.

-He can never make up his mind. He turns his fan on one speed, he puts it on another speed, shuts it off. Over and over. He turns the TV on, five minutes later it's on again.

-He wants to get better and go home, but he doesn't want to do any work to do so. He just wants to magically get better. He thinks the therapy is just to torture him. He thinks everyone is against him.

-Yesterday he asked a nurse "Is this a concentration camp?" Yes, rehab is exactly like a Nazi death camp, you ass. Way to insult the struggles your people went through.

-He tries to pull out his vent tubes. He tried to put himself back to bed yesterday.

-He tries to drink water and he doesn't have the kind of trachea tube that allows air to pass down his throat. So he almost drowns himself, then suctions himself.

-He only does something if he wants to. He rarely follows doctors'/nurses' orders. He doesn't get up and walk when he should, but tells his family he did.

-Oh, and his daughter talks to him like a baby or dog, in a cutesy baby talk voice. I want to punch this woman in the mouth for being so stupid as to think a grown man likes being spoken to in that way. So annoying.

I actually miss my old roommate that whined a lot. At least he had a sense of humor.

-Left chest tube has been removed.

-Stomach tube has been put in (and hurts like a bitch when the pain meds wear off).

-Got a shorter, more comfortable trach tube put in.

-Nose tube comes out when the stomach one heals.

-Pic line (the vein tube in my left arm) is coming out soon.

-I'm getting up in my wheelchair tomorrow.

How's THAT for progress? Three weeks may have been underestimating what I can do.

Well, I've been in the hospital for about six weeks because I came down with pneumonia, so I should probably update this thing.

First off, I'm fine. Not great, but I am well on the road to recovery. The worst is over. Now I just need to strengthen up and go home. Should take around three weeks. Maybe less.

What's been going on is they put two tubes in my lungs to drain fluids and expand my "collapsed" (not fully, just partially) lung. They are really uncomfortable, but it had to be done to make me better. Luckily just a few hours ago they removed one and it sound like the other will come out within the week. I'm making progress, for sure.

This is hard to write, but here goes nothing. After failing to adapt to a bipap machine (if they'd given me five more minutes I'd have been fine) the doctors decided to give me a tracheostromy. Yes, the thing where they attach tubes to a hole in your throat and hook you up to a ventilator. It sounds scarier than it is, though. It's not bad. I feel better than I have in months. And it IS reversible, if I should so choose, and if I work hard enough.

On a positive note, they're feeding me some Ensurre type food suppliment through a tube they put in my nose, and my stomach isn't hungry anymore. And it's more proof I'm getting better. I feel great.

I'll be out of this hellhole and back home soon enough. Just keep rooting for me, guys.

Sorry if you guys have missed me or worried about me the last four days. I got Zelda: Twilight Princess for Gamecube and oh my.... What a game that was. Probably my all-time favorite. The Twilight Realm kicks my ass. This game took everything I hated about Wind Waker and reversed it (tiny confined islands, too few dungeons, lame final boss, child friendly storyline until the ending), and improved on everything I loved about it (the cut scenes, epic scale). And I love the graphical style just as much. Midna was a great character. I also love Ooccoo. He was a weirdo.

But yeah, just letting you guys know I'm fine. I just needed some escapism, and this game provided that. I think a break from AIM also helped clear my head. I'll be back tomorrow.

<:3

Well, I'm soon going to be departing to go look at another apartment complex with my dad. It's closer to his work than the other one by about ten minutes. There are no garage things at this one, which is bad news for my van's lift, but what can ya do, right? This is going to be our chance to free ourselves of that miserable woman. It's going to be worth it. It needs to be done.

Also, my dad intends on telling my sister of the divorce. If you knew my sister, you'd know she's going to have some sort of breakdown. She's a 24 (25?) year old with a good job, yet she lives in this cushy house without paying a dime. She's going to have a rude awakening, for sure. She has no concept of the real world. The thought of living in an apartment will be too much for her, I think. But tough luck. I have to live this life that feels like a never ending nightmare at times. She can deal with some hardship.

I hope all goes well.

[EDIT] Well, my sister knows now. She took it kinda hard, but better than I expected. She agreed that this is probably the best thing to do. She seems more upset about the fact that my mother will get so much out of this, with the "protect the woman" divorce system we have to use. That does suck, and is sexist bullshit, but what can you do? But yeah, she was crying and stuff, and I do feel bad, because I get along well with her, but this is as hard for me as it is for her, if not harder. This isn't easy for any of us. But in pursuit of a better quality of life, it's worth it. Life is never easy, but it's worth living.

Ok, time for another update, I suppose. It's been a hectic emotional roller coaster for me this week, so I should document that.

Well, Tuesday was just awful. I must've pulled a muscle in my chest, because it felt tense and achy. That caused me to, well, basically panic, and let my death phobia take over. I was anxious all day after that. Then I went somewhere where a woman said her son was lucky to live to 22 with DMD. That hit me harder than it should have. I had to watch LOST to get my mind off of reality for a while.

Wednesday was ok until the night. Then I lost it. I let negativity win. I broke down and cried for a while. My chest tensed up in a knot and I felt like I had to give up all hope on my life and my dreams. I was a wreck.

On Thursday, my dad came home at 1:00 or so. I forgot he was going to be home so much later than usual, so I was anticipating his arrival at 11:45. It was such an agonizing wait. I just wanted to see him and have him rub my chest. But when he did get home, I got up and got really anxious. So I made a mistake. I had him make me a chocolate amasake shake. Personally, I feel chocolate is poison for my body, but god... I love eating it. It's my one food weakness.

After he made me that, again, I broke down. We discussed the possibility of my passing, and my death anxiety, and how I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare. The whole thing was a mistake in a way, but I also feel it was a good thing. I really have a new respect for my dad. He cares about me so much. I really love that man. He's so awesome.

Since then, it's just been about recovery. I joined a MD Livejournal community, and learned of a 40-year-old with my condition from a 30-year-old with my condition. God, that gave me so much more hope, especially if you take into account how well I eat. I really have nothing to be afraid of, I feel. And physically, I feel almost completely like I did on Monday. Thank goodness.

So yeah, I'm fine, guys. I've got more hope now than I did over this week. I'm sorry if I scared any of you. I didn't mean to.

Peace out, everybody!

I think I should update this motherfucker, huh?

Ok, so. Since my last entry, I've been pretty much done nothing but talk on AIM and draw in the 2006 Oekaki Brawl. I've been really enjoying myself. But I need to get back into practicing anatomy and coloring. I need to keep getting better. I need to draw cool stuff while I still am physically able. Not to pressure myself or anything.

Speaking of physical, I've started taking this "probiotic" stomach bacteria supplement thing just this morning. It's to help your body more readily accept vitamins, minerals, and all that. I'm gonna see if this will make me feel any stronger and maybe gain more weight. It sounds pretty promising.

I've also started looking into relaxation techniques to help me with my death phobia. It's become pretty unbearable, I'm sorry to say. I keep thinking about what it'd feel like to die, and how it's unavoidable. I'm sure lots of people fear death, but mine could happen soon, and I get so anxious and scared about it. And that's horribly unhealthy. So I'm looking into meditation in various forms to help relieve my fears. I'm determined to free myself and enjoy my life while I'm alive. I need to relax.

But my friends make it easier to cope. Savana helps calm me dow, Sam's just... weird haha, and I've been calling up Alanna every weekend. Those phone calls mean so much to me. They make me so happy. They make me aware that there's a world beyond this room. That there are real people out there that love me. And Alanna is such a sweetheart and is entertaining to talk to. She makes me laugh because she's a weird lady. And she sounds like a puppy when she yawns. It amuses me horribly. Right now the two of us are working on a Rey parody comic. It'll be awesome.

Well, I need to get drawing. Later, gaters!